Photo by Guillaume de Germain on Unsplash
What you thought was going to happen, probably won’t.
When I was approaching retirement in my late 60’s, I was sure I knew what to expect. By this time in your life, you’ve likely had time to think about it. Those last few years leading up to the biggest transition in your life were the toughest, and this gave you plenty of opportunities to lay it all out. When friends and family members would ask me what I was planning after retirement, I would say “Not this”, meaning my current job. As a self-employed small business owner with many employees, the pace was killing me.
So when the day came and my business was sold, it was exhilarating. I could sleep in past 5:30, take a vacation that lasted more than a long weekend, go to the gym again, and complete about 20 projects around the house that needed to be done. I also had a list of books to read and maybe I could get back to writing again. Hallelujah!
But here’s what actually happened.
The first six months were great. My wife and I took that 2-week vacation to Ireland which was tremendous. With a little discipline, I took on those projects around the house, cleaned out my office and the garage, and began picking up my grandkids after school. I built a table and chairs set for the newest one. I was sailing, according to plan.
Things started slowing down. The home projects were mostly completed, and during a workout at the gym, I pulled a muscle in my neck that ended weekly workouts. A bit of a setback that lasted over a year.
I was otherwise feeling fine, except during a routine checkup with my GP, I was told that my PSA was rising quickly and, to be safe, I had better get that checked out. A few MRIs and a nasty biopsy later, I was scheduled for full radiation treatment for prostate cancer, which I was advised to begin ASAP. Hmmm, now that was totally unexpected.
Then Covid hit. I thought I would wait a few months until this Covid thing would pass and then I could schedule the treatment. It wasn’t long before that was proven false. Another curveball! Add to that the confinement we felt for a year of completely changing our lifestyles, and of limiting our social contacts. I was more convinced than ever of the fragility of life, and that we can take nothing for granted. Covid equalized everyone on the planet. For me, that realization was a humbling experience and good for the soul. That wasn’t only a curveball, it was a shutout!
I would lie in bed every morning, sometimes after little or no sleep at all, with no projects to complete, and without a plan for the next 24 hours. By this time, I was experiencing the loss of my crazy, hectic job. This was a daunting realization. I couldn’t understand how I could be missing the very thing that had been causing me so much stress just a year ago?
THE BRAIN’S REACTION TO RETIREMENT
After a bit of research, I was able to pinpoint the source of my anxiety.
- At first, I couldn’t figure out what I was feeling. I wasn’t missing the activities of my old job. Sure, I missed the comradery of my employees, vendors, and fellow business people that I had befriended over the years, but I had no desire to jump back into the daily grind. I didn’t know what I wanted to do now. The uncertainty of not knowing my next course of action caused me to be anxious.
- My brain was in withdrawal. Stopping the routine I had been doing for 45 years, without a gradual tapering off, was similar to stopping any medication cold turkey. I had managed to construct other activities in my daily life, but none of those were comparable to the mental activity demanded by my business. It was as if my brain was telling me “Is that all you got today?”
- My self-image was taking a beating. Since my early years of self-employment, I had always felt productive. Now I had no one to direct, no jobs to supervise. I was not in charge anymore. Intellectually I knew that I should not define myself by my work, but in reality, you can’t turn off that power button and not feel repercussions. In his article on THE PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECTS OF THE TRANSITION TO RETIREMENT, PUBLISHED in 2012, John Osbourne states “For those with highly skilled and management careers, the loss of their status can leave them feeling like nobodies. The loss of conflict may be irresistible, but not lasting”.
Now, 27 months later, things have settled down. My health is fine, and my treatments are completed. I’m getting adequate exercise, playing softball twice a week. I’m writing on Medium. There’s been an uptick in my family life. Both my sons have decided to move back, close to home. I can appreciate my wife, kids, and grandkids even more.
But those activities alone are not the reason I’m handling retirement better. It was the time it took for my brain to adjust to a very radical change of lifestyle. This was crucial. There are no shortcuts here. If you are retiring from an all-encompassing job, the time it takes to adjust will be proportionately longer. Even though I’m not as active as I once was, I don’t feel the pressure to produce every day. I think I finally reached a point of acceptance when I decided to sell my Silverado pickup, and replace it with a new Jeep. My family was surprised, almost shocked. I had never bought any vehicle for the fun of it. By doing this, I was finally allowing myself to exhale and relax a bit. It also let everyone know that I was going to be OK.
Anyone who has retired knows that getting used to the change of your daily routine can be challenging, but the psychological impact is greater. It’s when that initial high evaporates and you are facing that great beyond, which is only the rest of your life. Osbourne labels that as “death anxiety” which is a topic for another article. Everyone’s challenges will be different, and there will be those unexpected events that will undoubtedly require a course correction. He concludes, “The transition to retirement is often a mixture of the expected and the unexpected. It has the potential to create major psychological issues that are sometimes overlooked by those who promote a rosy image of retirement.”
You can find more of Frank’s stories on Medium at: https://fpcjr.medium.com/