Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash

A personal journey of discovery, tragedy, and triumph — and a magnificent plan for how to succeed in life

I was 33 when I left my career to become a stay-at-home mom. After investing in a college degree and a decade in the fitness and wellness world, the decision to leave my career didn’t come easily.

In fact, when I became pregnant with my first child, Nicholas, I had planned to return to work. But, once our beautiful “bundle of joy” arrived, I couldn’t imagine handing off our precious baby to someone else for 40 hours a week!

My husband Jim and I spent weeks hashing out the pros and cons. We knew this was a life-changing decision and we were willing to trim expenses while Jim “upped his game” at work. We agreed that my being home with the baby would be best.

I traded staff meetings, budget planning, and management skills for diaper changes, sleepless nights, and minimal adult interaction.

We had no family nearby, and I didn’t know a soul who wasn’t working full-time. Winter was coming, so I made an effort to meet new women when I was out. I made new friends at the supermarket, believe it or not, and one became my best friend! Where else could I meet women who were in the same situation? I also started a playgroup with several moms. We gathered weekly throughout the preschool years to share parenting ideas and exchange toys. I developed a point system to encourage positive behaviors with our children. I always thought I should’ve published that!

Looking back, I remember feeling so grateful to have Jim’s support and excited to be home raising Nicholas and later, Amy. Jim made me promise not to jump into every volunteer job possible and instead, to take time deciding where I wanted to focus my talents. Other than the playgroup which was so helpful to me, I did hold off as promised and fell into a good routine caring for the children, and also consciously taking care of myself by hiring a sitter so I could stick with my workout routine and our date nights.

Fortunately, I am someone who naturally adapts well. My parents traveled with my siblings and me a lot when we were young, so I often had to sleep on the floor of the camper as we drove across the country or squeeze between my older sister and brother in the middle of the backseat, with my feet up on the “hump” of the car. As the youngest, I felt like the “tag-along” for their activities, always adapting to new people and new situations. Throughout my lifetime this adaptability has served me well. I feel like you could drop me into any foreign country, and without a complaint, I’d think, “Ok, I’ll learn the language and figure out how to find everything I need.”

Jim and I married when I was working at The Hartford. I also attended graduate school for an advanced degree in Health and Wellness. I learned more about behavioral modification techniques and balancing the different aspects of one’s life by breaking it down into six parts: 

The “Wellness Wheel” divides the “pieces of a pie” into categories using the acronym, SPICES. 

• Spiritual
• Physical
• Intellectual
• Career
• Educational
• Social 

Since learning this concept, I have often analyzed the areas of my life this way and I work to “pump up the flat side” of the wheel when I am feeling unbalanced. The Wellness Wheel and SPICES came in handy while I was raising two children and many times since. SPICES can help anyone anytime to create more balance and to feel more connected, empowered, and healthier.

When Nicholas and Amy started school, I volunteered in activities that would bring me closer to them, their friends, and their teachers. I coordinated the Room Parent Program and volunteered in the library. I joined the PTO, taught the Maypole dancers, and spearheaded a new playground which meant fundraising, hiring the contractor, and even selecting all the equipment. I also coached their sports teams, basketball and soccer, for 10 years.

Just add water

For my own health, I started teaching aqua fitness classes at a local fitness center. I love getting more exercise, and I’ve continued to teach there for over 20 years. Jim has often suggested whenever I am having a bad day, “Just add water.” He knows I love water activities and being in or near water. It’s where I always feel peace and a sense of calm wash over me. Indulging in water activities is the ultimate self-care.

Caring for my children and others has been a consistent theme throughout my life. I absolutely love helping others. In fact, I think I have a sixth sense that helps me reach out to friends I haven’t spoken to in a while because when I call, I hear that they are going through a difficult time, are ill, or someone close to them is dying. This has happened many times — a gut feeling that I should call that person. It’s the weirdest thing, like The Twilight Zone. A friend and my kids laugh and say, “I hope you don’t get that feeling about me!” I believe it may be divine intervention, and it’s important for me to listen because I have regretted the times I did not.

I thrive on the ability to jump in and help out. In 2005, our niece, Katherine, was tragically diagnosed with colon cancer at age 26. Her illness went untreated until it had already reached stage 4 and spread to her liver. Her parents moved her from her medical school in Iowa to New York City so she could be treated at Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. Our family would visit her every weekend, and after two months of treatment, she asked if she could come live with us in Connecticut. Jim agreed to drive her the two hours into Manhattan for treatments twice per week so she could enjoy time with all of us, including her cousins. It was summer, and Nicholas and Amy had just finished 6th and 8th grades.

Like me, Katherine cherished our swimming pool; she swam every day. It was wonderful to see her happy. When Katherine’s family wanted to be closer to her, they moved in with us. Her mother, grandmother, sisters, and brother brought along a puppy as well. I cooked meals and did the laundry for all of us. And, in the last three months of Katherine’s life, I was trained by a nurse to help with her care. The rest of the family felt so emotionally distraught, it was too difficult for them. After she passed away at age 27, it took us a very long time to regain some normalcy in our home, but I will be forever grateful that I could give the gift of care to her. Katherine died in September, the first week of school for the kids, who were both starting at new schools — Amy in middle school and Nicholas at a new private high school. As difficult as all of this change was for our children, I am glad they were able to spend quality time with Katherine especially and learn how precious life is.

The day Katherine died, her grandmother, my mother-in-law, fell and needed surgery. She spent the next five years in a nursing facility, and I served as her primary caregiver. When she died in 2011, Jim and I arranged her funeral services. Around this same time, I also helped care for my dad when I could, after he was diagnosed with dementia. He lived with my mom in Wisconsin where I grew up, and I would visit as often as possible. He asked for me to help him even when others were around to support him, including hired caregivers and nurses. Despite how sad it was to watch him decline, I am glad I did what I could for my dad.

These five plus years were chaotic, and it felt like a burden to care for others, but my faith reminded me that with the blessings of being able to stay home with my kids, I was also able to give Katherine, Jim’s mom, and my dad a wonderful send-off. Sometimes blessings come with burdens.

My dad gave me the greatest parting gift: “I love you too”

I am especially forever grateful that I had special time with my dad, and that my children were older so I could fly to be with him. Amy and Nicholas were in college when he passed. My dad gave me the greatest parting gift. On my very last visit he could no longer formulate his words, which was tough to watch given he was the brightest man I have known, a singer, and an attorney for 52 years. I held his hands and told him I needed to say goodbye and that I loved him. He summoned up his strong, bass voice, and, even though he hadn’t spoken in months, said to me, “I love you too.” He didn’t whisper; he spoke in his regular, loud, deep voice. I hold that parting moment in my heart! He died a couple of weeks later in April 2012.

A few years before losing Katherine, my husband Jim was diagnosed with diabetes. His health started to decline and years later, in 2014, two years after my father died and nine years after Katherine died, he suffered a stroke that made it difficult for him to walk. He started falling, which led to wounds that were quite serious. I treated his wounds daily and accompanied him to doctor visits. Shortly after the stroke, Jim’s doctor told him he would no longer be able to drive. I got him ready for work, made his meals, and drove him to and from work. In 2016 his health declined further and he was no longer able to work. I managed his medications and gave him insulin injections when he couldn’t. On subsequent falls he ended up having double black eyes and a broken back. In 2018 he broke his neck. At this point, I had aides living in the house with us but even two of us couldn’t keep up with his 24-hour care.

With the help of the home health care agency and visiting nurses, I had to make the decision to move him to a facility. As hard as this was, I quickly realized it was the right decision, and my close friends wondered how I managed as long as I had. I miss our previous life together but accept that we are in a new chapter, one that I can no longer manage for him at home.

Since 2018, Jim has been living in a skilled nursing facility. Once again I needed to adapt. I miss Jim but surely don’t miss living with strangers in our home. I Skype with him daily and visit as often as I can. As difficult as the other caregiving situations were, the closeness of watching a spouse decline has been the hardest.

Life can deal you a difficult “deck” sometimes, and one thing I know for sure is that the caregiver really does need to attend to his or her own needs first. I learned this from the darkest of moments with my husband. I had given up my schedule and everything I enjoyed. I had eliminated all other activities to care for him. I woke up one day to the realization that I needed to balance my life. Once again, I looked at the Wellness Wheel, which, apparently, I had left in storage!

I also developed this intentional plan that has kept me sane:

DAILY: 

Do one thing for myself: Meditate, exercise, swim, bathe, walk my dog.

WEEKLY: 

Do something bigger for myself: Enjoy lunch with a friend, a movie, a massage, or a hike to a new location.

MONTHLY: 

Plan a longer break, possibly for a night or a weekend away: Visit friends or family who live out of town, take a vacation, go to an event like a musical, a play, a sports game, or do nothing at all!

Sometimes we have the choice to walk away, but most often we can’t

I share my plan because all of us at one point or another must handle unexpected responsibilities that weigh us down. Sometimes we have the choice to walk away, but most often we can’t, and coping skills are all we have to rely on. My intention every single day is to be grateful for what I have and to spread kindness and positivity to those around me. I have an incredible role model with a loving mother who is now a healthy 99-years-old! Apparently, I’ve done well since my daughter recently complimented me, mentioning how well I’d raised her and her brother, and suggested that I raise her children when she has them. I swiftly said, “Oh, no, that will be your job!”

Speaking of jobs, when Amy headed to college, I knew it was my time to revisit options for returning to the workforce. When I found a direct sales clothing company, Jockey Person to Person, selling athletic wear from my home, I thought to myself, “How easy is this?” With all the time I spent living in sportswear and working at health clubs, of course I felt comfortable both wearing this style of clothes and sharing them with other women, especially since I had a built-in customer base. Three years later, the division closed, and soon I was invited to Ruby Ribbon, a young, fast-growing company. My educational background in fitness coupled with my experience and enjoyment of meeting and helping women provided the perfect background for this job. When I learned Ruby Ribbon’s mission aligns with my purpose and passion for helping others, I knew it was an even better “fit” for me.

It’s been six years now, and I am an associate director coordinating a team of wonderful women. The company and stylists across the country provide a “sisterhood” that is impossible to duplicate, and they came into my life at a time when I needed more emotional support with the increasing challenges of Jim’s health. The women in this company continue to support one another, share ideas, and challenge each other. Best of all, I get thank you notes from happy customers all the time, and this year I even got a hand-written note from one customer’s husband thanking me for making his wife “even more beautiful” and their “lives better”! I was so touched I actually cried.

I credit my life success to my adaptability and relationship-building skills. If you think about the phases of your life and how to thrive when “dropped into a new situation,” you realize that in order to adapt you must often think “outside the box” in order to find your way — and sometimes your “why.”

Things happen for a reason

As I look back with more clarity and with the feeling I have always had, that things happen for a reason, the night Jim and I spent making the decision for me to stay home was a pivotal point in my life. One that has now made me realize all of the blessings I have had not only raising our children who are my absolute pride and joy but also knowing that I have been available to help the other family members who have needed care. The spiritual piece of the Wellness Wheel reminds me there is a plan but it is not always our plan.

For me, a positive outlook, consistent self-care, and a grateful attitude go a long way in keeping me grounded and better able to make the right decisions. Whenever I feel down and ready to host my own pity party, I shift my thoughts to those less fortunate, and ask, “How can I help?”

It may appear that I am a giving, caring person but the truth is when I help others it’s for selfish reasons. I know I will feel so much better afterward, and my own first-world problems will vanish.

If none of this works, including my self-care plan, I “just add water.” I swim, hop in my hot tub, walk the beach, sit near a stream — or imagine one of these activities when I can’t actually get to the water. It shifts my perspective back to the positive every time, leaving me feeling refreshed, renewed, and ready to start again.