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Sixty is the new twenty, there’s no such thing as “normal” anymore, and a cuddle or two might just save your life.

Sexuality is an important aspect of our lives — even in our later years. It is associated with better mental and physical health, happier relationships, and higher levels of personal satisfaction.

For women, older age is related to a higher likelihood of orgasm.

— Kinsey Institute study

Older adults have unique challenges when it comes to sexual intimacy. As we age, health declines, partners die, and the plumbing doesn’t work like it used to.

But experts have found that most of these challenges are surmountable, and the effort is as delightful as whipped cream on a sundae.

Consider: how Beethoven faced significant hearing challenges as he aged. As one of Germany’s preeminent composers and pianists, a diagnosis of profound deafness was paralyzing. But rather than give up his passion, he chose to think differently and creatively about the way he created and performed music. He was so successful that his later symphonies are considered to be among his finest.

Just as Beethoven did, you can choose creativity over resignation. You can work with your sexuality and make beautiful music like never before. All it takes is the desire, a willing partner, and an open mind.

How much sex is normal?

These days, Young Americans have their first sexual experience at an average age of 17 (which is technically illegal in 12 states). Those in their twenties have sex 112 times a year (once every 72 hours — remember those days?).

Unfortunately, our sex drive slows down as we age. In our 40s, we average 69 sexual encounters annually, and then it drops to just 21 times a year in our 60s.

Remember though, these are averages — half more, half less, and the range is wildly scattered. So scattered that we can safely say that there is no “normal.”

It doesn’t matter how you compare with the clinical numbers, because quality matters more after 60.

Quality matters:

According to the National Poll on Healthy Aging, 54% of senior couples between the ages of 65 and 80 are sexually active. Three-quarters of them are satisfied with the quality of their sex lives.

The happiest couples have sex every day. Or every week. Or once a month.
Some are happy with no sex at all. Frequency isn’t the measure.

The quality of one’s sex life in older adults is correlated with five factors:

• Physical intimacy: Touching, holding hands, being close, cuddling, kissing, and sexual intercourse.
• Emotional closeness: Trust, devotion, vulnerability, sharing, respect, and communication.
• Sexual compatibility: Similar preferences, frequency, and desires about intimacy.
• Sexual satisfaction: How one feels about the positive and negative aspects of one’s sex life.
• Sexual problems: The ability and willingness to accept and address physical and emotional problems that interfere with sexuality.

These five factors provide a balanced approach to addressing sexual satisfaction as partners age. Sexual intercourse itself is important but can be less so for many seniors. In fact, it’s not unusual for it to be replaced completely with a greater emphasis on the other sexual factors.

How does one improve quality and address the unique challenges of sex and sexuality when aging? Simple. You talk about it and work at it — together.

Common Challenges

Men and women don’t lose their ability to achieve orgasm in the normal course of aging. What does happen though, is a gradual slowing of excitement, especially in men.

Body image issues, loss of desire, and problems with arousal, complicated by society’s stereotypes of the elderly can result in couples giving up on sex completely.

But that’s not necessary. Nor recommended. Modern treatments and medications have come to the rescue and both men and women are almost always able to increase libidos and sexual responses to levels that can reignite sexual desire, ability, and satisfaction.

All treatments should start with a visit to a doctor. Get a physical exam and talk to a professional. From there you’ll have a solid plan for how to get back in the game.

Erectile dysfunction: Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, and a host of other medications help men get it up again. These “ED” medications are available by prescription only and have recently become available in more affordable generic versions. Brand name pills are expensive ($30 or more per pill) and are not generally covered by Medicare. Generics are much less expensive — $3 to $5 per pill with coupons.

Tip #1: Search online for coupons and save 50% or more.

Tip #2: Go to Mexico and pay shockingly low prices for ED (and other) medications. No prescription required.

Alternative ED treatments include exercise, rest, and a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, nuts, and fish.

Low libido: It’s not always age that reduces desire. Lack of interest can be a side effect of medications you’re taking (anti-depressants for example). Your doctor can evaluate and recommend a course of action. Treatments include hormone therapy (estrogen, testosterone, and others), FDA-approved medications, herbal supplements (such as Avlimil or Zestra), and lifestyle changes such as exercise and diet.

Vaginal dryness and pain: Some women experience dryness which makes sex painful. This can be a natural consequence of menopause and lower estrogen levels, but it’s usually treatable. Short-term treatments include lubrication and moisturizing ointments. Self-stimulation has proven beneficial as well. Chronic dryness is often treated successfully with estrogen therapy.

Tip: Take your time with longer foreplay, use a lubricant, and avoid desiccating douches and soaps.

The man shortage: Husbands tend to be a few years older than wives and die a few years earlier. That leaves single women with a smaller dating pool. As a result, women are pursuing younger men, same-sex experiences, and paid professional sex partners. If you’re interested, Honolulu is known as the place to vacation for older women seeking paid sexual partners.

Seven ways to curl your toes

Why bother with all the effort to overcome these problems? Because sex is FUN! Oh, and it can literally extend your life.

An active sex life makes people happier, healthier, and smarter. Who wouldn’t want that? If that intrigues you, then here are a few professional suggestions on how to curl your toes a little tighter. With some imagination, you’ll come up with plenty more of your own.

1. Begin with a healthy diet and exercise. The healthier you are, the more you and your partner will enjoy each other. Losing weight and eating right increases energy while a healthy diet protects against heart disease, high blood pressure, and other sex-affecting maladies. Exercise tones the muscles and builds strength while improving how you feel about yourself and your partner.
2. Schedule sex dates: Agreeing on target dates takes the pressure off partners that have mismatched libidos. Dates are fun and can include dinners out or special events. Just be sure to go easy on the alcohol and don’t get too tired too early.
3. Pick different positions, times, and places. It’s easy to get stuck in a routine, and breaking out of it with new positions can be erotic. Leave your inhibitions behind and let your imaginations guide you. Variation is the spice of life, and you may find your spice in the shower, guest room, kitchen, hotel, or camping tent — morning, noon, or night.
4. Talk openly. We of a certain age grew up in a prudish time when discussing sex was discouraged. When you muster the courage to speak openly with your partner you’ll likely find that they feel the same way, and new and exciting sexual experiences will magically present themselves.
5. Be together. Cuddle, hold hands, and touch your partner as you walk past to demonstrate that you’re thinking of them. Buy some oil and take turns with a slow massage. Start in a non-sexual way to break the ice, and see where it leads. Two-person showers are fun too. Invest extra time in foreplay or skip sex entirely and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
6. Toys and imagination. Fantasy is a powerful aphrodisiac. Dress up, turn off (or on) the lights, and role-play a sexy scene. Toys such as vibrators are safe and erotic. Lingerie, lotions, latex, fur, blindfolds, and fluffy handcuffs might be worth a try. Stop by your local store and browse, or do an online search for “sex toys” if you prefer discretion.
7. Always be safe. When you’re safe, you and your partner can relax your minds and bodies for maximum pleasure. Use protection when necessary, stay clean, and respect each other’s boundaries. And don’t forget the lube, medications, foreplay, and romance.
   Note: STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) are surprisingly common among the elderly. You can’t get pregnant but you can get infected. Use condoms if you have any concerns about your partner’s history.

Sixty is the new twenty

Remember age is just a number and sexual intimacy can be a part of your life for as long as you want. Be sexy and be happy — you deserve it.

It’s easy to give in to physical challenges and social stereotypes, but a modest effort can rekindle those feelings you had when you were twenty. Remember those days?

So, damn the torpedos, drop your inhibitions and get busy wrinkling the sheets and curling your toes. And don’t forget to cuddle — it can save your life.

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