Work and Retirement Jokes That Are So Funny You’ll Pee Your Pants

They say hard work never killed anyone but why take the chance?

An elderly couple were attending a church service.
About halfway through the wife leans over to her husband and says, “I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”

He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

Job interview:

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says, “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”

There are three signs of old age.
The first is loss of memory.
I forget the other two.

Question: Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night?
Answer: It keeps them from rolling out of bed!

Top reasons why growing old is so rewarding:

In a hostage situation, you’re likely to be released first.
No need to suck your belly in anymore.
You never get speeding tickets.
Your health insurance premiums are finally starting to pay off.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
Ha! We’ll see about that.

Advisors telling you when you can retire:

Terrible work puns (there are better ones further down):

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
No job is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing today is Tuesday.
It’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.

Bad job jokes:

My memory has gotten so bad I don’t go to work anymore. I’m still employed — I just can’t remember where.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I get plenty of exercise — jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

A couple of retired buddies went hunting.

After tramping through the woods for the day, Walt’s friend clutches his chest before collapsing on the ground. Calling 911, he frantically explains his friend isn’t breathing and appears to be dead.

The dispatcher asks “First, can you make sure he’s dead?”

“Hang on,” Walt said,

Then the echo of a loud gunshot…BOOM!

“Okay, now what?”

Work lessons you can live without:

Experience is what you got when you didn’t get what you wanted.

Teamwork is important, it helps put the blame on someone else.

When you’re great at multitasking you can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

You know it’s time to retire when your back goes out more than you do.

Job description translations:

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE = “We’ve already filled the job, resumes are just a legal formality.”

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY = “We have no time to train you.”

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED = “Some time every night and some time every weekend.”

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST = “You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.”

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE = “You’ll be replacing three people who just quit.”

An elderly man recalls the good old days:

“When I was young, I could shop with a single dollar bill and bring back five pounds of potatoes, two pounds of bread, a bottle of milk, a block of cheese, and a dozen eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible — there are too many security cameras.”

Advantages of retirement:

You know all the words to the elevator music.
Your joints are more accurate at predicting the weather than a meteorologist.
Things you buy now won’t need to be replaced.
Kidnappers are no longer interested in you.
Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it’ll take all day and requires a nap in the middle of it!

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount!

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Pants!

Why retirees are such good friends

They can’t run away.
They won’t share your secrets because they’ll forget them right away.
They won’t keep you up late.
4 PM dinners with retirees are discounted.

I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?”
He said, “How flexible are you?”
I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

Light travels faster than sound.
That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Question: Why did the robber retire?
Answer: He couldn’t take it anymore!

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents!

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal!

Question: What is the common term for someone who refuses to retire?
Answer: Nuts!

A policeman was writing a parking ticket when an elderly couple came out of a nearby store.

“Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” the man exclaimed. The police officer ignored him and continued writing the ticket, then tucked it under the wiper.

“You’re a dumbass,” the man shouted at the police officer. The policeman glared at them and started writing another ticket for worn tires. The wife shouted at the cop: “You’re a sh*t head.”

The policeman glared at them and wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more they abused the cop, the more tickets he wrote.

Then the bus arrived, and the couple climbed on.

What happens when professionals retire?

Golfers lose their drive.
Accountants lose their balance.
Bank managers lose interest.
Mechanics re-tire every day.
Beekeepers just buzz off.
Musicians decompose.
Watchmakers wind down.
Academics lose their faculties.
Tree surgeons branch out.

We always need more puns:

Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

I have lots of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

I started out with nothing, and after all these years I still have most of it.

Looking at the calendar I can see your days are numbered.

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He’s in his mid-eighties, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, and smelling of expensive aftershave.

Seated at the bar is a classy-looking lady in her mid-seventies. The dandy old gentleman walks over and sits beside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: “So, tell me…. do I come here often?”

Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!

Best jokes:

There is a new trend in our office; everyone is naming their food. I noticed it today while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station…

Some old people are like Slinkies. Not much good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me — they were cramming for their finals.

Best sayings:

They say hard work never killed anyone but why take the chance?
I like my job only marginally more than I like being homeless.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
If every day is a gift, I’d like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
When in doubt, mumble.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Sickest joke ever:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.